Eleven Reasons I Am Over Winter.

I don't like winter.

I have spent most of the past two decades making plans to leave New England, mostly because of how much I loathe the winters here. I had NEARLY made a break for sunnier climes 13 years ago when I was first dating my my husband.

But the bastard told me he couldn't "do a long distance relationship."

Okay, then.

And though THAT particular decision to stick around actually worked out okay for me, I have spent every January through April regretting my choice of life geography.

This winter started off so promisingly. On Christmas Day it was raining and 50. WARM! Though a bunch of my friends complained about how awful it was to have a "brown Christmas," I did not once feel badly about the lack of snow or cold. I didn't miss it, not in the least.

But then it got cold in January. Okay. Cold I can manage.

Mostly.

But then we got 48+ inches of snow. In one week. And we are due for another 20+ inches over the NEXT week, too.

In between, it's been COLD. Like really cold. Negative with - and without! - wind chills.

Plus snow. A ton of it. More snow on the way.

No.
JUST.
NO.

So I got to thinking about all the ways I am over winter. And here are my top 11 reasons why.
 
(And while we're on the topic of things I don't like... I'd like to go on record and say that I also don't particulary like the number eleven. It's not divisible by anything but itself and 1. It doesn't have the appeal of ten - that beautiful round shiny number of top ten lists. But eleven it is.) 

1. It's dark. Yes, we hit the worst of the darkness on December 21, and allegedly we're gaining minutes of daylight every day. But it's dark when I leave my house in the morning for work and dark when I return.

2. It's a colorless world out there. When it isn't actually dark, it's grey and brown and white. On those stupidly cold days when the sun is actually out in the middle of the day, the only color you can see is blue of the sky. Which is a tease. I miss green and yellow and orange and red.

3. It's cold. SO. EFFING. COLD. New Englanders have this thing where they believe that being cold is actually good for you. "I keep my thermostat at 20 degrees and tell my kids to get a sweatshirt when they're cold. You get sick if you are warm, you know." WTF? There is NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING WARM, PEOPLE.

4. I can't feel my hands - or feet- most of the time. I have Raynaud's phenomenon, which means that whenever I get cold, I lose circulation to my extremities. I will be in my car, all toasty and warm from my 45 minute commute in the cranked up heat and my buttwarmer on, and walk into my house, get a chill, and lose feeling in all of my fingers for hours. It's super fun.

5. I feel old and decrepit. The cold does crazy things to my muscles, and I start the first few miles of every run bent over like a little old lady, trying like hell to get my muscles to loosen because they're curled up in tight little balls, trying to stay warm. I miss my easy loping summer muscles.

6. I miss summer. And heat. New Englanders also like to complain about how damn hot the summers get. "The humidity. It'll kill yah." No, it doesn't kill me. Say it with me, people. WARM IS NOT BAD.

7. Winter dries out my skin. Seriously, most days I could use my hands as sandpaper, even when I use the super-pumped up Norwegian hand cream made for fisherman in the Arctic. I'm itchy and flaky and dried out. Winter turns me into dandruff. And who likes dandruff?

8. Winter is when I'm busiest at my job. I've been a CPA for more than a decade now, and my clients have 12/31 year ends. Which means I'm working stupid hours in the winter. Which I suppose would be okay if I loved being an accountant, since honestly, you can't really go outside for long anyway. Except I don't love being an accountant. I actually kind of hate it. And so I hate the winter busy season a lot.

9. Winter weather fucks up my exercise schedule. When you're super busy with stupid work and trying to juggle parenting and life and sneaking in exercising, ANY bad weather means something is going to get fucked up - usually the exercise. I get up at 3:45 in the morning to run some days, and ice or snow means I can't actually run. And that makes me angry. And grumpy. And frustrated. Trust me, winter, it's better if I get my run in.

10. Two words: static electricity. Maybe it's me, but I swear I can run a generator with the static electricity I pick up. It is enough to drive me to the loony bin. I actually cut my hair short because of how it would stick to my face - and anything else - in the winter. I cannot wait until the day where I can touch something metal or kiss my husband or son without getting shocked.

11. I am late all the time in winter. I hate, hate, HATE being late. But it happens in winter. Because if it isn't the weather, it's the fact that I cannot seem to leave the shower or my warm bed in the morning. Why, for the LOVE OF GOD, would I leave the place where I am finally warm?

So there it is - my 11 reasons why I am over winter.

In case you need me, I'll be in my bed, hibernating.