In defence of blunt instruments

Blunt instruments get a bad rap.

Bedevilled by writers, blunt instruments are forever being placed at the scene of the crime, used to bludgeon an innocent victim to death, to dash in someone's brains, to end a life precipitously, prematurely and no doubt brutally.

Never are blunt instruments portrayed in a positive light. I mean, when did you last hear about someone snuggling up to a blunt instrument, about a blunt instrument saving someone from mortal danger, about the happiest day in a person's life involving a blunt instrument? Not once have my children requested a blunt instrument for their birthday or Christmas, nor - callous as kids can be - have they ever expressed a wish to one day be blunt instruments themselves.

And yet blunt instruments are victims; mere tools in a madman's arsenal. Harmless everyday objects misappropriated by evil people to commit evil deeds. Items useful in the right context, more often than not with a distinct purpose, a labour-saving mission corrupted - nay, perverted - in the venting of murderous passions and ignoble intents. Bricks, wrenches, hammers, baseball bats, rocks, pots, tankards, to name but a few.

I therefore propose the creation of a society for the prevention of cruelty to blunt instruments, a body whose sole aim shall be to halt the scandalous misuse and reckless slander of these so harmless, so useful creations, such that they may once again walk our streets without fear of incrimination, abuse, ridicule or prejudice.

I hope and trust that you will support me in this undertaking.