The French call them "trombones," I call them "Two funny loops of metal or plastic-covered metal that hold my sheets of paper together."

I often wonder who invented paperclips. Well, "often" is perhaps not quite accurate. "Constantly" is probably a more pertinent term. And "worry about" should probably replace "wonder". I mean, you have to be pretty twisted to think up something like a paperclip (see what I did there?).

I have a whole load of paperclips in a clear plastic box inside a wooden box on my shelf. Every now and again, when my anxiety levels are not too high, I take one out and attach it to some paper. Usually several sheets of the stuff. Although I have folded over a single piece of paper and clipped it to itself. Repeatedly. It worked, too: the other corners were never lost.

I admit I know very little about paperclips, so I'm going to talk about llamas.

The French word for llamas is "llamas," which is remarkably similar to what we say, except we don't talk through our noses. Llamas are not made of metal or plastic-covered metal and are not often looped. They are therefore pretty hopeless at holding sheets of paper together.

Believe me: I've tried.

The good news is that I hardly worry – I mean "think" – about llamas at all, and very few of my nightmares contain llamas. Let alone metallic ones. Indeed my nightmares are pretty mammal-free altogether. Assuming llamas are mammals.

Llamas spit a lot, which is something I've never seen a paperclip do. Outside my dreams, that is.

And paperclips are hopeless at holding llamas together.

Believe me: I've tried.

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