Pink-and-white-painted sticks of something claiming to be crab, yet definitely anything but.
No, I take that back: they have a taste somewhat resembling crab. Provided you've never eaten crab before. Which, unfortunately, I have.
And a texture not in the slightest bit like crab. Because they are made from fish. Some white fish. Any fish. Anything but crab. Probably nasty stuff. Really nasty stuff.
Sliding a crab stick into your mouth is an odd sensation. It's soft, biteable, yet almost completely flavourless. A bit like eating frozen oyster. Without the cold sensation.
And why the fuck do they wrap them in those stupid clear plastic films? Is it some sort of safe sex for fake food? Do crab sticks feel icky about touching their neighbours? Are they shy and don't want to go nude in public? Is it to keep their little non-existent crab toes warm as they sit in your fridge awaiting consumption?
I like crab sticks. I know I shouldn't because they're basically junk; left-overs. The kind of piscine equivalent of belly-button fluff. Or ear wax. Or bogies. Or dandruff. Or smegma. Or those curled up pieces of loo paper that get stuck in your anal pubes.
I think I've just put myself off ever eating them again.