The Joys of Facebook or as I like to put it “Face-Fuckers-Facelesss-Facade-Of-Friends”

Facebook, when I first heard of it in 2009 thought it a brilliant step from “Friends Reunited” in finding and catching up with old chums and past loves from aeons ago. Little did I know this innocent foray into finding folk could end up with me reading and being pulled into some insane, world spread typographical faceless war.  Before I proceed, I have been one of the arseholes I talk about below, for that I humbly and truthfully apologise.  I do, now, try and avoid emotionless jibber-jabber. . . .

Let us ponder a while . . . when you chat to your friends whilst drinking coffee (if you do not imbibe this beverage others are available, but, sadly, non can quite compare) around a table, you do not start by arresting all voices until you have taken that one photograph they gave to you of themselves whilst posing for the 18^th time behind the camera of their own phone from your wallet, placing it on the table in front of you and just looking at it whilst you chatter. This would indeed be regarded as the most bizarre behaviour since the time you were in the pub and the man came in shouting “Jellied Eels” you shrieked with joy requesting a quarter (you are obviously as old as I am and bought sweets in fractions of a pound weight, if you bought a whole pound of sweets then you, my friend, were both rich beyond my wildest childhood imagining and ate a lot of sweets) thinking they were “Jelly Deals” some new and mouth watering sweetie (boy, disappointment abounded when I saw what was actually in that fucking bag . . . . I mean you saw .. . as if I would be that naïve, pfft, tish and nonesense).

When sharing your life's details and banter the whole conversational tone would be lost if we did not look upon the visages of the party around the coffee table. If we missed their eye's for incredulity at your far fetched shenanigans, or the eyebrows as they arch with suspicion the further down a rabbit warren of your insanity you take them with your tale. The tone you say but two words out of thousands can take on a myriad of meanings ie “fuck offffffff” as in “No way! I don't belive it! Is that really how it happened?” to “fuck off” as in “I wish you to depart quickly, you have deeply offended me to the core, should you choose not to leave I will dance the dance of a person about to pop you one in your evil, lie spewing hole you call a mouth”. . . and on it goes:

We use our bodies to express such a vast amount of emotions. Lowing the shoulders and exhaling when something disappointing or saddening is said. Holding the breath whilst eyes widen to their fullest showing excitement. Smiling is used both in happiness, fake pleasure and sarcasm. Gazing our eyes around in to show how dull we truly think the tale is or screwing every muscle of the face to mean “nope, don't get this at all”. This all negated on the facelessness of Facebook.

Let us say, I may just want to type on my status “I don't like wool”. What is actually read is “do you like wool? Why should I like wool? Please convince me to like wool. If I don't like wool in a couple of comments time, you should start really getting angry about how unappealing this fleecy form is to me and insult both my life, intellect, ability to care for other planet dwellers, question any spiritual knowledge I lay claim to or, go the whole hog or (bovidae as we should say), and un-friend me as I am now nothing more than a piece of shit not worthy to be scraped off a shoe, rather the shoe shall be flung into a far away dustbin. What I was ACTUALLY saying was “I don't like wool. The End”.

There is no “I was just saying . . . “ so much is read as “please attack of this idiot”, for we are all far more intellectually gifted than any other Facefucker on Facebooks faclessness. I could type “Happiness is just a case of deciding to be happy. It's an inside job”. An innocuous little couple of sentences if shared with said coffee sippers of aforementioned paragraph, whilst seated next to each other in my kitchen. Not on Facelessbook. On there you now have to answer why, in your absolute lack of wisdom you make such a gargantuan ignorant attack on nations at war, starving or on the brink of economic collapse. You are then lead idiotically by your ego into an explanation of the sentence you said as that was just how “you” feel about things. On FaceFuckersFacelesssFacadeOfFriends you can not make a statement about yourself, you have to take into account every other person on the planets experiences, background, ethnicity, religion, combat experience, food imbibing preferences, mental and emotional states, marital status, political views, sexuality . . . this list really does not end! If you can not address, in one sentence the whole entire planet then you are doomed and should stay well clear of farcefuck. It has gone way beyond “trolls” to being taken over by Overlords of Righteousness & Knowledge. No more do people want to “read” your status or rather you minds chunterings to itself and see it as a comment by you, the friend who normally has one sugar and a dash of milk with their coffee. You are now TARGET Numero Uno .

You just can't make this shit up:  

Screenshot:

Yup, this should be about FaceFuckersFacelesssFacadeOfFriends

The world of internet idle chat is no longer an innocent place of banter, it is a faceless battlefield. You don't “chat” on there, you have to stand in your air balloon debating why you should be saved rather than thrown out, to fall to your hoped for demise (for those who have never been in a balloon debate at school, you just debate stuff and don't actually get thrown out of a live air balloon to plummet to the ground, unlike how you feel people want to treat you on EmotionFreeBook).

I have a very good friend who says to me “I only have about 15 friends. Is that sad?” Answer: THAT IS BRILLIANT! You have just cut your chances of know-it-all-bullshittery by a huge amount compared to those of us who have re-friended friends, family and loved ones from yesteryear that, if we actually met them now, we would do the most fluid body swerve, look for the nearest exit, steal a wig as camouflage and get the fuck out of dodge.

People keep huge lists of “friends”. I know some have “friends lists” with over 2 thousands on there. There is no way in this fucking multi-verse that they know even a third of these people, and yet comments by you, made to actual @friends of yours (ie you tag them. . . as obviously you needed me to spell that out . . dumbass PS yes that was me having sarcastic banter *sigh*) are seen by their myriad of ego fuelled faceless masses who know you not, have never sat in your kitchen whilst imbibing drinks, don't know of your penchant to lean heavily on sarcasm and being a daft little wind up merchant, rarely to be taken seriously in your one off comments.

Yet, we still make the comments. We still believe (akin to the belief in fairies) that the person reading your words will be viewing your expressions, mannerisms, personal flair whilst taking in your thoughts, they will understand this is a “you-ism”.

Remember. One non-injurious remark from you be it “weather's nice” to “isn't life wonderful” may end in you running to take cover from the head on attacks of the FaceFuckersFacelesssFacadeOfFriends.

If you want to enjoy your experience on Facebook. Either have no opinion on anything, deploy your ego to another room whilst typing or pop out and buy a FaceFuckersFacelesssFacadeOfFriends-proof jacket.

Facebook Proof Jacket

You have been warned!