Today as I wandered aimlessly with my untrusty hound, I contemplated the differences between me now and young me. I guess the one main point that shines like a Hollywood movie star's mirror is how happy I am being me now, but I really was not all those years ago.
When I was younger I waged a war on myself. I did not do this by design, just ran with what I now consider the normal default modus operandi of all of us. I compared my looks, intelligence, abilities, health, achievements etc., you name it to everyone else. Not only did I compare it, but managed, like a boss, to ensure I only found people who I deemed "better than me" to compare myself to.
First off I self-sabotaged my intellectual abilities. At school, I always compared myself to the"top achievers" and always told myself I would never be like them. I was jealous and miserable.
After leaving school, I went to college and saw my qualifications to be a secretary as poor, pathetic and the bottom of life's ladder of career options. Managed to get a diploma and with a withered whoop left for life.
I got sacked from around 5 jobs at first, then managed to stay the course in that next job. I looked at myself as a poor substitute for the secretaries they could have had. Always feeling incapable, a fuck up. I made stupid mistakes x 1 zillion.
Relationships? I bounded like a self-destructive fop from one poor choice to the next. I felt I "needed" to have a partner as I was so ill-equipped to fend for myself. Ended up having my first success at the age of 23, my daughter Emily. Then, oh the countless ways I managed to tell myself how all the other Mums did it better!
Is anyone seeing a pattern here?
It was not until just before my divorce at the age of 39 that I started to get a glimpse of what I was actually doing to myself. A friend of mine heard of my ways and showed me Esther & Jerry Hicks with Abraham. There on my computer was a woman saying things like "if you think it, you create it" and "send arrows of desire into the universe and the universe will comply" oh and "you have everything in a universal escrow just waiting for you to release it". I didn't fully get it, but I liked it.
Over the years from then to now I have learned and put into practise the teachings of Abraham, the lessons of Napoleon Hill in "Think and Grow Rich" and the biggest life changer of all Ghalil's book "Professional Dreamer". The turn around in my outlook not only on life, but myself is gargantuan.
I am exactly who I tell myself I am. I can do, exactly what I tell myself I can do. I am as happy/unhappy as I tell myself I am. It really is as simple as that. The best quote I have read recently is
I was and never will be inferior to anyone as I am a success in my own world. I have now learned to appreciate and love what other people achieve. I see a person in a bright yellow Ferrari, I don't think "flash tosser", I think "Well done you. What an amazing car".
I sit every morning and take time out to be on my own and look around me at all I have. It is worth pointing out here that I never take my bank statements out to do this. I look at my big daft dog, always there staring at me with eyes full of love. I look at my home and smile at how much happiness there is in there when my little family are in it. I think of my eldest child now away and surviving life like a pro. I think of how fit and healthy I am. I look at the surrounding countryside and am blissed out by how outstandingly beautiful it is.
The war I waged on myself was a war of unappreciation not only for the wonderful being I am, but also for the wonderful beings that were all around me. Looking back I see so many inspiring me, helping me. I see the endless opportunities that were there, that I ignored. I blamed people for me not doing what I wanted to . . really! I did not get the fact that this world is a shit or as brilliant as I made it.
Now my world is a galaxy of endless choice, possibilities, love, appreciation and joy.
If I could teach the inhabitants of this world one thing, it would be: Learn to Love yourself and appreciated everything. There is no right and wrong, just different opinions and contrast.
Enjoy your life. Love your life. This is the fun bit!