I have heard it said (due to the fact I have wozzin' big ears), that "a dogs life" is a bad thing. I say chish and nonsense to that. How do I know? Because I, my bi-pod friends am a dog. To be more precise, I am a full-fledged, no-nonsense, paws as big as . . . erm . . big paws, big eared, pointy faced German Shepherd. I am beautiful, sleek, fluffy and a dream to live with.
|told you I had big paws|
|Me being all sleek and pointy|
Shut up, Mum! I am misunderstood sometimes, that is all!
What is a day for me? It starts off with me wanting a walk/dinner. For this reason, I ensure to wake Mum up as early as possible as she likes this.
["No! I don't!"]
Yes, you do, now stop interrupting, go do something constructive like prepare for my walk/dinner mother!
I said fools are corrupting and glue is constructive when preparing a fire wall inner mother.
["Oh, OK, thought you said something else"]
Now, where was I? Ah yes, I saunter on tippy toes upstairs and bring my rather fabulous smile into Mum and Dad's room and do my waiting stance like this:
|My happy waiting stance|
After half an hour of re-odorising their room with my sweet-scented breath, I realise a walk/dinner is not happening in the time frame I had planned and usually end with this stance, which we shall call "why am I not walking/eating yet?". This stance can be held from 1 - 4 hours depending on how much nasal singing I do.
|"why am I not walking/eating my dinner yet? Stance. I am a yogi hound"|
NB: Note to other hounds Nasal singing can have 1 of 2 effects on your bi-pod parent.
1. an increase in speed at which your walk/dinner happens.
2. An increased speed in you being sent back to your crate.
You just have to do some weighing of chance with this skill set. As I know nothing about weighing or chance I just wildly sing, hope, then have to go lay in my crate. I may hereinafter do more singing and hoping but it has a rather detrimental effect on the walk/dinner side of things.
After what actually is an eternity of singing, huffing and going up and down from room to the crate, Mum will FINALLY get up. When she is on the top of the stairs I now love to play "will she fall for the I'm just waiting here, you are safe to go" routine again. What I do here is sit on the landing like a well behaved good dog
["Can everyone please note the word "LIKE" in that sentence."]
MUM! Shhh please, thank you, I love you. Is it walk/dinner time .... sing, sing OUCH! slink, slink.
As I was saying. I sit, stay and allow Mum to walk past me. At this point she is so proud of my good behaviour, but, I'm untrusty, so when she gets 4 steps down, I rush at her like a fluff spraying cannon ball twit and try and beat her to the bottom.
|"I WON! You are so proud of me aren't you Mum?"|
Then it is YET ANOTHER WAIT! Mum makes her food (I have no words to tell you the deflation at MY bowl/lead not being included in this daily ritual). Don't know what she puts in her bowl, but one day it shall be mine!
Then I follow Mum into the garden and watch bemused as she throws some rad shapes.
["I'm not throwing shapes, I'm doing a salute to the sun . . you do a good down dog kid"]
Thank Mum. After Mum's finished waving at the sun she then folds herself up on her mat and eats her food. As Mum does not like me near her food when she is eating, I go all stealth and hide myself behind things so she can not see me:
|Now you see me and . . wait for it, wait for it . .|
|Now you don't. STEALTH my friends! If you|
look closely you will just be able to
make me out behind the peg pot.
|You will not be able to see me at all|
here as I can't see you.
To reward me for my seriously amazing skills I get the last of the bowl.
|Breakfasty Bowly Bliss RIGHT HERE,|
Then Mum sits on her mat and just wastes time all folded up and doing nothing as far as I can tell. This is where I remind her I am here and need my walk/dinner. I am nothing if not subtle.
First I will, like a silk scarf on a breeze, gently apply my paw to her leg.
|Obviously I nasally sing the anthem:|
Mum, Mum, Mum it's walk/dinner time. Mum, Mum
If this most eloquent of subtle approaches fails. I then casually move it up a gear to IN YOUR FACE mode thus:
|You can not resist me|
["I bloody can"]
NB once again my canine compadres. Getting overzealous with the "in your face" mode can end badly for both you and . . . Mum's yoga mat (I feel no guilt! I needed a walk/dinner).
|["YOU KILLED MY MAT!"]|
It wasn't me! How rude!
|["1) I was there and 2) THIS IS YOUR PRINT"|
OK, I have guilt . . sorry Mum/Sherlock
HAZAAAH!!!! Mum now has my going out suit in hand, so I now dance and sing (Mum says I "like a pillock" I presume this means joyfully and gracefully) running from kitchen to front door. On reflection, this may be hindering my walk/dinner progression . . hey ho. Now Mum puts on my going out suit which is a red and blue ribbon around my head, tipped with a long blue sash that I share with Mum. We now happily leave the house and Mum says things like "heel". Not one single clue do I have why she says this or what on earth it means. Being the loving caring hound I am I ensure to keep showing her which way to go, trying very hard not to be by her side in case she forgets where she is going and we end up lost. I'm good like that.
|"and we are off on our walk/dinner"|
I will be honest with you here guys. I adore my Mum and place walk/dinner above all things. Outside and me are best buds but I am not so keen on sharing outside with, well, anything apart from Mum, Dad & Katie (mum and Dads middle daughter).
When I am in MY outside I truly believe this is my special time and anything/one getting in the way with this time of times should, well, erm . . die. It irks Mum that if some other like minded creature has been before me and killed "the enemy" I will, with vim and gusto do celebraterly rollage in the rotting corpsey carnage left behind. I am guessing this is one of the reasons I have the name "Untrusty Hound", but some things in life must be done.
All dogs are nodding their heads wisely at this I can just sense it. Others may be remembering me and showing war wounds and saying rude words to the screen, hey ho . . . you were warned, I did raise my hackles before speeding at you like a pillaris fur ball with teeth, quickly followed by a short blond woman removing me by force . . loads of bloomin' force too some times! I digress, I love my walks
|I sniff stuff|
|I roll in stuff|
|I try and sod off to places I'm not allowed|
|After chasing stuff I chillax in newly harvested straw heaps|
After this most wonderous of times, like most hounds of culture I like to relax at home and just flick away time on the internet.
|This is my "oh crap, authority is talking" face|
Until then, laters gang.