While rummaging around a box of Christmas stuff this afternoon looking for something festive with which to decorate her room, my first-born stumbled across a long-forgotten Yuletide item: a plastic deer that shits Smarties.
Yes, you read right: a plastic deer that shits Smarties.
Clever girl that she is, my daughter immediately dubbed him "Poodolph the Ohdeer."
PTO, as he shall henceforth be referred to in polite company, is a truly remarkable creature. Not least when you think about the mind of the person who invented him/her/it. This monstrosity has a standard moose/deer torso and head, antlers and the obligatory red nose. But when you press him/her/it down, the legs retract into the body, the tail lifts up, its anal cavity opens ... and out pops (or should I say "poops") a Smartie.
If memory serves me right - and 'tis a remarkably fickle beast at this oven-ready stage in my life - the original sweeties in PTO's stomach-cum-rectum were all brown.Which is why I find it hard to imagine why my kids would have been so eager to stuff them into their largest facial orifice.
But then again, Freud would probably put it down to the Anal Stage of child development associated with a fascination with all things faecal.
I just realised: I don't think I ever advanced beyond that stage. Or maybe I just combined the oral, anal and sexual stages. Which would explain my puerile nature and proclivity for childish humour. And the fact that stuffing poo-coloured chocolate into my gob gives me a weirdly sexual sensation.
God, that makes me hungry. Methinks it's time to raid my children's sweetie bags and blame it on the cats again.
"Did they really, darling? That's tragic! What NAUGHTY kitties!"
|Poodolf in action|