How To Get Your New Kitten To Like You


The joy and excitement that fills our souls, nay our entire being once we book the appointment to go and buy a kitten/cat is tantamount to . . . erm. . . the joy and excitement of booking an appointment to go and buy a puppy/dog, you get the drift.

You roll up to the kitten dealers house; a strange mixture of joy and trepidation hit you.  

What if the people don't like me?
What if they think I'm a cat killer?
What if it were all lies and I am going to be eaten by their insane budgie?

. . . and you thought I was joking!

These thoughts and more will course through your now over happy endorphined / not rational hyper brain.  

You enter the kitten dealers home and immediately give no fucks as to what they are like as 
. . . .THERE IS YOUR KITTEN!!!  You can tell it's meant for you as it has fur, is cute and does only for you tiny kitten stuff.  Then you pay the money, put ball of kittenossity in basket and head home.


Kittens are liars.  They do the loving fur ball act to lead you into a false sense of feline security.  This security will work 100% as it has been used and approved of by millions of cats over the millennia when they are in search of a home. On arriving home that little, tiny cushion of love will suddenly fear you, your settee, your knee and for no known reason will only find solace on a dangerous place ie fireplace mantle, high shelf, behind settee next to many wires, near ALL THE PLUGS, in the gas boiler cupboard.  You name a place that will put you on edge, they will find it and call it safe.  

Any attempts in the first few hours/days to coo said fluff ball from their safe place may end up with people asking you why you have started to self-harm as those marks on your arms are a dead giveaway (yes, the gossip trolls will assume any old shit!) 

Yes, cats can be angry little beasts.  Wrap angry beast in a towel from the neck down to thwart this 

What you need to read and understand to its fullest capacity is the following:


. . . and they need not your approval for they know deep inside that no matter how unhinged they are, you will love them, bear their scars and this is feline law, DEAL.

your pad or mine, ooh look, I win.

Another good pointer here is to get you to learn that kittens even fully grown cats, have no idea what you are saying apart from the word "food" which, like dogs, they seem to pick up remarkably quickly.  Do not get cat hunger mixed up with dog hunger.  Cat's are food connoisseurs and will not eat any old slop, unlike dogs who will even go so far as to eat the pooh of a cat. . . .  these animals are oceans apart on that score!

The best way to get your new kitten to like you is to play them at their own game.  No, don't go sit on shelves or play with wires do the clever thing, ignore them.  Cats can only handle this for a short time as they have egos the size of a very large planet.  You could be really tricksterish and turn the heating off so the only nice snuffly warm place to sleep for your new kitten is YOU!  You could even go so far as to have smelly fish dinner in a dish on YOU.  Now your kitten will think of you as, yes you've guessed it, the bastard who stinks of tasty food, makes the house cold but has warm legs with fish on.  Some times you really have to ask yourself whether you truly want to be that person.  Then you will see that tiny kitten chaos and scream "YES! I WANT THAT".

Also you can play really clever and buy a scratch post and ensure to teach your cat that you not only like it to scratch things in your house, you overtly encourage this behaviour, in this way cats will aim to please.  Hey, you never liked the sofa/ chair/ table/ curtain/ Xbox/ doors/ carpet/ visiting neighbours anyway!

nope . . wasn't me.  Bad dog, baaaddd, baddddd, dog.

Cats do not like ghosts so if you buy a torch you can get your kitten / cat to play "Kill the Ghost" by shining the light on any surface for them to catch and kill.  Yes, cats think bright dots on the wall/floor are invaders from the grave come to hunt them.  They will protect you.  On this note they will also frighten the shit out you when you are home alone by playing happily then suddenly stopping, going all crazy cat shape and hissing at . . .NOTHING.  This makes you remember some bastard telling you cats can see the dead and will render you incapable of rational thought, whilst your new found feline friends is laughing at you big time inside it's dead pan humour cat head . . badd, badddddd, cat!

Cats LOVE to be stroked:  

On their heads
Behind their ears
Under their chins
On their bellies

Cats ABHOR to be stroked:

On their heads
Behind their ears
Under their chins
On their bellies

Yes, always remember cats are fickle feline f . . . you get the rest.

Once your kitten is home, here's an idea, give it time to settle in, sniff about, have some alone kitten time.  You could just keep pouncing on it and make it enjoy human attention on minute 1, or, just like any other creature, maybe . . just maybe it would appreciate some time to figure its new home out. It may even be so bold after a while to come over and sniff your now food encrusted legs, and meep to be picked up and loved.  Either way eventually it will be so tired of sniffing and being scared for no reason (you know, like you do in strange situations) that at some point it will just snuffle up on its kitten bed made with your clothes, fall asleep inhaling your smell, wake up and wonder wherer the hell your food legs have gone!

Once settled in remember to watch informative YouTube videos by experts such as Eddie Izzard to learn your animal behavioural stuff!  

If you really want to impress your new family member you could always get them what is considered an elite toy, a cardboard box!

Best toy and bed combo ever.  Thank you.  Love you.  Kitten x x x x

It is very safe to say that no matter how freaked out kitteneister is on day one, they settle down, want love, want dinner (preferable in a clean bowl rather than on your leg which on day 6 will not appeal to even the  . . . oh wait it might, scratch that.  OUCH not that !) and will become your very funny best of fluffy buds within a week.

Enjoy this special feline being as, speakinf from experience, they are amazing pets/friends/leg warmer /alarm clocks you will ever have.

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