Why I am Crap At Dieting

Tell me I am dieting and immediately my mind will have put its little mental running shoes on, tied them up neatly, donned some lycra and be running off to the nearest shop to buy a mental vanilla slice.  Then, as ever, my whole being will follow suit.  Within a day of ordering me a diet, I will be

giggling and showing you how to eat a vanilla slice without getting the middle bit to hit the floor.

Let us take a different tact with me.  Tell me I'm fat and need to lose that blubber.  I will turn round and, most likely, just look sad for a bit, THEN I will go to the shop and return vanilla slice in hand to quell my poor little hurt emotions.

I also have a rather big problems with having to do something "THIS WAY ONLY".  Just like any cult, not for me.  I tried being in the raw vegan cult but you can't even stroke your dog the wrong way without being torched (yeah, it's OK to be cruel to people, just not animals.  Let the irony abound) by the hardened cult members.  Before I am dashed to the ground by a cucumber wielding vegan, please, don't get me wrong here.  I am not referring to my happy, live and let live (ooh see the pun there) folk here.  No, it's the die hards, the ones that check to see if your socks are synthetic otherwise you are not coming in, types.  The ones who have Facebook pages plastered with animals in the very last tortured phase of life with half their emaciated hides burnt off by some horrific experiment.  The ones who think they are the only people aware of animal cruelty on the planet and therefore must show graphic pictures of it.  Let's put it this way, can you imagine what would happen to all the people against child abuse posting those pictures.  So why is it OK to post the ones of animals?   .. I rant, I digress.

No, I am just rubbish at dieting.  For me dieting is like being back at school.  Order me to do something and I will spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out ways to get round/over/under it.

For me to achieve any form of success I have to ensure first and foremost that I have completely fooled myself.   I will make copious amounts of banana ice cream and when I'm not paying attention, tell me it's real chocolate ice cream.  This I can happily do.

I think the best way for me to diet is by restricting my non movement.  In fact it is the only way.  If I allow myself as much movement as I can possibly handle then I succeed.  I will completely gorge myself on cycling.  When I am really into it I am full to the brim of body weight exercises.  However, as soon as the restriction is lifted and non movement allowed . . . . back to the vanilla slice stand I go.

The moral of this story is . . . never eat vanilla slices.