Mornings.

Most mornings, when he first comes out of his room, my 8 year old son finds me wherever I may be in the house. Rubbing his eyes, still clutching the bear blanket lovey he has had since he was born, he only grunts a response to my quiet "good morning."

Then, as is our routine, I sit down and he folds himself into my lap, all angles and bones, and rests there for a few moments, his head resting on my chest. And in that moment, he is as familiar to me as if he were part of me.

The rest of our day, we exist as almost strangers. He's intelligent and curious and prickly and engaging; all boy, full of sports and science experiments. His heroes are Adam and Jamie of Mythbusters. He knows how much TNT is needed to cause a big enough explosion to blow up a cement mixer, what a RPG is. Mom, are you okay if I talk about guns right now? he'll ask me, then proceed to tell me about how a person could save their lives if they just shoot the gun out of the bad guy's hand. He knows the numbers of most every football player in the NFL and what position they play. He hates to read stories, but loves nonfiction.

Bro-Science . . You Really Can Make This Shit Up!!

THE ABULATOR BY US FOR YOU!!!!!!

Let us cut to the chase.  I have a fantastic invention that hit the market last week and is selling like hot cakes . . .healthy ones of course.

How would you like to have 6 pack abs in 2 weeks?

Well here at Ab-U-Like we are now able to buy the latest Abulator II.

The Abulator II actually increases the body's ability to build solid muscle in 28.7 minutes.  It does this by hightening crentallin mesaphotyte production from the adipose tissue, which dissolves fat like soap killing bubbles in your bubble bath (we don't know how that works, I mean bubbles are made of soap so how does soap do it?  Witchcraft is what our scientist believe).

My Body Is Deluded

I have no full-length mirrors in my house as I believe they are the work of the devil and are not to be trusted, much like cameras, they lie.  They lie like a teenager (if you are a teenager reading this stating "I don't lie", I have four words for you fuck off, you liar).  Each time I gaze upon my body in one of these demon spawned contraptions they show me a woman who is in dire need of either owning no mirrors in her house, a job with Michelin as a demo or maybe, just maybe some exercise.

I’m prejudiced. Don’t laugh: You are too.

We all like to think of ourselves as being open-minded, unbiased and non-judgemental, reacting to people and events based purely on their merits. Well excuse my French, but that’s bullshit. 

By his very nature, Man instinctively categorises what he sees in order to make sense of his surroundings and thus define his behaviour. It’s what stops you kissing your boss (except at Christmas parties), throwing out food rather than cooking it, and driving on the left when you’re on the Continent.

Sure, this intrinsic drive to understand our environment is also what leads us to mistake harmless shadows and innocuous noises for monsters come to devour us in our beds. But it’s better to have a few petrified children than mistaking your food for rubbish or having your boss thinking you fancy a shag.

The Joys of Facebook or as I like to put it “Face-Fuckers-Facelesss-Facade-Of-Friends”

Facebook, when I first heard of it in 2009 thought it a brilliant step from “Friends Reunited” in finding and catching up with old chums and past loves from aeons ago. Little did I know this innocent foray into finding folk could end up with me reading and being pulled into some insane, world spread typographical faceless war.  Before I proceed, I have been one of the arseholes I talk about below, for that I humbly and truthfully apologise.  I do, now, try and avoid emotionless jibber-jabber. . . .

#PrayFor[yet another city]

I look forward to the day when we no longer need #prayfor or #livesmatter hashtags any more.

But first we need to get our shit in order.

Weird dream (but aren't they all?)

I think I’ve finally cracked.

This afternoon, sitting in my favourite chair in the lounge, I fell asleep for two hours. That isn’t the reason I think I’ve lost it. I’m sure that many sane people have two-hour naps. Some maybe sleep for longer. Although I suspect the mean is somewhere around 30-60 minutes (with a standard deviation of I can’t fucking remember how to do statistics, you should have asked me that about 30 years ago).

Or is it the median? I never could tell averages, means, modes and medians apart.

Anyway, it was whilst sleeping that I had the weirdest dream.