Shitty Christmas

That Christmas was probably the only one I ever lost weight. And yet it had all started so normally.

We were at my mum's house, and although we hadn't yet reached the pinnacle of Yuletide gluttony – Christmas Day lunch – we had in the previous days each consumed our body weight in biscuits, cake and chocolate, avidly encouraged by my mother, who patently laboured under the misconception that food either hadn't been invented outside her house or simply wasn't unavailable.

Jehovah’s bogeymen

“Excuse me, do you live round here?” the man asked me anxiously.

“I just thought I’d warn you,” he half-whispered, pointing down the street. “The Jehovah’s Witnesses are going door to door.”

I had noticed them, of course; a huddle of six people in plain but smart clothing, the women with modest handbags and flat-soled shoes, the men in cheap, grey suits, earnestly clutching bound bibles or notebooks. Standing by the entrance to a block of flats, I had mistakenly believed them to be waiting for a bible study class, even though it was a Thursday morning. But no, they were much worse. Or so this man thought.

“All it takes is some old, defenceless person, and they’ll get them to sign anything!” he said dramatically, his eyes fixed on the innocuous group standing patiently outside the building.

Anything but AZERTY

I recently had the dubious honour of attempting to use a French keyboard. And by “recently” I mean today. I am now, in fact. And by “attempting” I mean “failing miserably”. And by “dubious” I mean that it was neither a genuine honour nor of my own volition.

You see, my cherished laptop is about four years old, and in this micro-lifecycle era that's ancient. Deciding its time was up, it threw in the electronic towel the other day, thus forcing me to buy a new one. I would happily have continued using it for many more years, but it suddenly refused to start one day, which rather settles the matter in the manufacturers’ favour. 

How To Get Your New Kitten To Like You

LOVE ME KITTEN, LOVE ME!!!!

The joy and excitement that fills our souls, nay our entire being once we book the appointment to go and buy a kitten/cat is tantamount to . . . erm. . . the joy and excitement of booking an appointment to go and buy a puppy/dog, you get the drift.

You roll up to the kitten dealers house; a strange mixture of joy and trepidation hit you.  

What if the people don't like me?

What if they think I'm a cat killer?

What if it were all lies and I am going to be eaten by their insane budgie?

. . . and you thought I was joking!

Huh?

Don't ask me how, but when I take a certain journey on the underground, I always get lost.

I should perhaps start with a bit of disclosure usually referred to as “full” (although I’m not actually revealing all my innermost secrets, just one of the minor trivialities that make up my persona): I have no sense of direction whatsoever. 

A Day In The Life Of An Untrusty Hound - It's A Dogs Life Part 1

I have heard it said (due to the fact I have wozzin' big ears), that "a dogs life" is a bad thing.  I say chish and nonsense to that.  How do I know?  Because I, my bi-pod friends am a dog.  To be more precise, I am a full-fledged, no-nonsense, paws as big as  . . . erm . . big paws, big eared, pointy faced German Shepherd.  I am beautiful, sleek, fluffy and a dream to live with.

I Waged A War On Myself - Now I Am A Peaceful Nation!

Today as I wandered aimlessly with my untrusty hound, I contemplated the differences between me now and young me. I guess the one main point that shines like a Hollywood movie star's mirror is how happy I am being me now, but I really was not all those years ago.